Official Man Laws (U.S. Version)

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OFFICIAL MAN LAWS (U.S. Version)

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment any woman starts unbuttoning her blouse.


(c) After wrecking your boss’  fancy-ass car.


(d) When she is using her teeth.




3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and thrown in the river by his buddies.



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours of his offense.



5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sisters are strictly off-limits (forever) unless you actually end up marrying one of them.



6: Complaints about the brand of free
beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain all you want if the
temperature of the beer is unsuitable.




7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. And, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is a strictly optional choice. At that point, you must celebrate at a gentlemen’s club of the birthday boy’s choice and you pay the tab.



8: On road trips, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.



9: When encountering other guys
watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game, but you may never ask who’s playing.




10: You may fart in front of a
woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head
under the covers for the purpose of gaseous entertainment, she’s
officially your girlfriend.




11: It is permissible to drink a
fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless
model and only when it’s free.



12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. Sports accidents do not count.



13: Unless you’re in a prison, never ever fight naked.



14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever.



15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem (you didn’t see anything).



16: Women who claim they “love to
watch sports” must be treated as spies until they are able to demonstrate suitable knowledge
of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other guys in the room.




17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight off the other men who will hit on her.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza. But, you may never do both – that is greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.



20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.



21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!


(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!




22: Never talk to a man in a
bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both
waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.



23: Never allow a telephone
conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex
with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.




24: The morning after you and a girl
who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the
fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to
nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it
was occurs.




25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



26: A man shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, or sky blue.



27: The girl who replies to the
question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d
know what I want!” gets an Xbox or the gadget of your choice.




28: A man shall not watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

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