Grand Theft Donut

Legally, Grand Theft Donut is the unlawful taking and carrying away of a donut belonging to another person, with the intent to permanently deprive the owner of that donut, where the value of the donut exceeds a specified statutory amount or meets criteria established by law.

When the lawyers get involved, words get added–so, Grand Theft Donut is committed when a person unlawfully takes and carries away a donut, the personal property of another, without consent and with the intent to permanently deprive the owner thereof, where the value of the donut exceeds a specified statutory amount or otherwise satisfies criteria established by applicable law.

Legal Elements Of Grand Theft Donut

Whoever unlawfully takes, carries away, secretes, or otherwise misappropriates a donut, being the personal property of another, with the intent to permanently deprive said person of that donut, shall be deemed to have committed Grand Theft Donut where:

1. The donut possesses a value exceeding that which any reasonable person would describe as “just a donut,” including but not limited to artisanal, filled, glazed, or limited seasonal varieties; or
2. The donut is taken in a manner demonstrating particular boldness, including removal from an office breakroom in plain view of others; or
3. The donut was clearly marked, reserved, or accompanied by a passive-aggressive note indicating ownership.

For purposes of this section, “donut” shall include all circular or quasi-circular fried dough constructs, regardless of filling, topping, or philosophical classification as cake or yeast.

Sentencing Guidelines — Grand Theft (Donut)

Base Offense: Upon conviction, the offender shall be subject to penalties commensurate with the value and character of the donut unlawfully taken.

Aggravation: Sentence shall be enhanced where the donut was the last available, clearly designated as another’s, taken from a communal setting under inequitable circumstances, or possessed of artisanal or exceptional qualities.

Mitigation: Sentence may be reduced where the offender reasonably believed the donut to be unclaimed, or where prompt restitution or credible remorse is demonstrated.

Restitution: The court shall order replacement of the donut with one of equal or greater value, or such quantity as necessary to remedy the deprivation.